Artie’s Daughter

A little too much fun at the moralist's expense ...

By Dave Grossi  |   Aug 22, 2017

Artie Belcher was two things: the best cop on the PD and the worst cop on the PD. Artie was a moralist. There was “right” and there was “wrong.” There was “justice,” and then there was “Artie’s Law.”

The most important things to Artie (next to his back up gun) were his family: his wife, his two daughters and his one son. Artie’s sense of family values would make Dan Quayle blush. Men were men. Women were women, and little girls were “sugar and spice and every thing nice.” And, of course, all girls were virgins until the day they got married. Actually, until the evening of the day they got married … 

Artie’s moral code was known throughout the department. The most cherished of those aforementioned important things were his two daughters, Teresa and Mary, named after Mother Teresa and the Blessed Virgin Mary. Artie was working swings one day when a shoplifting call came in from a local department store. Denny Verna (AKA “The Prince of Darkness”) from the “Banana Cabana” incident was backing up Artie on the shoplifter call. Upon learning the booster was a pro and a convicted pimp, Artie decided to bring the booster in for bail, and Denny accompanied him into the precinct.

Denny knew what “hot buttons” to push to light Artie’s board. While Artie was out securing their weapons in the gun locker, Denny began a search of the booster. In his wallet, Denny found a “little black book.” You know, the kind with tear-out pages containing names, phone numbers, and “stars” numbered 1 to 5 indicating the quality of the ladies listed in the book.

“What’s this?” asked Denny.

“Those are my ladies and I did every one of them, officer.”

Just then, a sick and distorted light bulb went off in Denny’s head.

He put “Buddy the Booster/Pimp” back in the holding cell, turned to a blank page in the “little black book” and wrote in his very best booster/pimp-type handwriting, “Mary” with Artie’s phone number next to it, followed by five stars.

When Artie returned after locking up their weapons, he asked if Denny has processed the booster yet.

“Nope, just got the CR number. I was just going to start.” With this, Artie picks up the “little black book” and begins to leaf through it … 

“What’s this?” asks Artie. “Well, those are my ladies and I–”

“Hey, that’s my daughter!” screamed Artie.

Realizing that Artie has discovered his beloved Blessed Virgin Mary Belcher with five stars next to her name, Mr. Booster never got to finish his sentence. And before Artie could grab hold of Mr. Booster Pimp, Denny threw himself in front of Artie.

“Stop, Artie! STOP! I wrote that.”

After a few four letter words that had never before exited Artie Belcher’s mouth, they both had a good laugh. However, that laughter got even more raucous when Mr. Booster Pimp looked at Artie and said: “I’m really sorry, officer. I won’t do your daughter any more, sir. I promise.”

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Dave Grossi
Dave Grossi is a retired police lieutenant from upstate NY now residing in southwest FL. He was the Lead Instructor for the Calibre Press, Inc. Street Survival Seminars from 1988 through 2000.