Humor in Blue: Bertha’s Behind

She was a beautiful hood ornament, while it lasted ...

By Dave Grossi  |   Jun 2, 2017
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Sonny Erickson was the most senior lieutenant on the PD. Not only was he the most senior, he was the most dignified of all the brass. “Diplomatically unapproachable” would be a good term to describe Lt. Sonny “Stuffed Shirt” Erickson. The wife of Sonny Erickson was equally dignified but even less approachable than her husband.

Tommy McMann and Rocco Montana were probably the two biggest bruisers on the night shift. When not locking up dirt bags, the M&M Bros were thinking of practical jokes and border-line legal pranks to pull on the rest of the shift.

Late one evening, when checking the rear of a local department store, hoping to catch a burglar and maybe a couple of lovers swapping DNA, Tommy saw what appeared to be a naked human form sticking out of a Dumpster.

“Holy crap, a body,” thought Tommy.

But upon closer inspection, he realized it was the bottom half of a female store mannequin, sans the legs and torso. A very large bottom half. We’re talking a Kim Kardashian-size here.

Now ordinarily, half a mannequin isn’t something that gets most cops excited, but when you’re a sick puppy, items such as these can be a real treasure. He radioed Rocco for a meet to show him his new prize.

“She’s got a nicer butt than your girlfriend, Tommy,” Rocco said. “What are you going to do with her?”

“I got just the place,” said Tommy.

If there was one thing Sonny Erickson was most proud of besides his five-bedroom, three-car garage house in the ‘burbs, it was his Lincoln Navigator. This boat was the mother of all SUVs: big, dark blue, and beautiful, with all the toys one could order. The union of this mannequin bottom with the front of a Lincoln Navigator was a marriage made in heaven. And the Right Reverend Tommy McMann was just the person to perform this ceremony.

With a little help from a couple of coat hangers retrieved from the same dumpster, the mounting was accomplished with all the secrecy of an FBI wire tap. Within 15 minutes, they mounted Big Butt Bertha (as she was nicknamed) to the front of Lt. Sonny Erickson’s Lincoln Navigator.

“Perfect,” said Tommy.

“A masterpiece,” said Rocco.

And it was a nice job, centered between the head lights just below windshield level, so as not to be seen by the driver. At 5:30 a.m., as they left the station house, Tommy and Rocco and the rest of the crew bid Lt. Stuffed Shirt a fond farewell.

“See ya later, Lou,” said Tommy, with the proverbial Cheshire Cat grin.

“Have a nice day, LT,” bid Rocco.

“Idiots,” mumbled Lieutenant Sonny.

And off went Sonny Stuffed Shirt, accompanied by his unauthorized hitchhiker, Big Butt Bertha, for a nice leisurely ride to the suburbs.

At 10:15 a.m. Tommy was awakened by the ringing phone.

“Get your ass in here now!” The voice was distinctive. Most captains develop that authoritative tone after a few years.

“What’s up, Cap?”

“You’ll find out when you get here,” said the precinct captain, Hugo Ross.

Upon Tommy’s arrival at the station house, he was greeted by Rocco. “Oh, oh,” whispered “Tommy, the Lou must have found Bertha.”

“Half right,” replied Rocco: “Mrs. Lou found her.”

It seems that Lt. Sonny parked his car in the garage that morning nose first, as he usually does. Mrs. Stuffed Shirt decided to take the Lincoln to do some shopping rather than her Lexus, as the Lincoln would hold a lot more designer duds than could fit in the trunk of her Lexus. Unbeknownst to her, Miss Bertha was along for the ride and caught the attention of the Ladies Library Club as Mrs. Stuffed shirt gave them a friendly wave while pulling into Macy’s.

The rest of the conversation between the dynamic duo and their boss is really irrelevant and somewhat anti-climatic, but to Tommy and Rocco it was all worth the two days off and their permanent assignment to graveyards.

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Dave Grossi
Dave Grossi is a retired police lieutenant from upstate NY now residing in southwest FL. He was the Lead Instructor for the Calibre Press, Inc. Street Survival Seminars from 1988 through 2000.
Dave Grossi

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