[Publisher’s Note: Humor in Blue is a new column by Calibre Press alum Dave Grossi. Similar in style to his hilarious eight-part Lawyers I’ve Known series, these eight stories have been gleaned from the warped mind of Dave himself. The names of the players have been changed, the locations masked (somewhat), a few embellishments added here and there, and some of the characters, while real people, combined and/or merged for brevity’s sake. Also, the Statute of Limitations on crude, lewd, lascivious and sometimes downright improper, albeit side-splitting, behavior has expired. Enjoy.]

Defensive tactics instructors are a weird lot. Most cops would agree that DT trainers are not wrapped too tight. Maybe it’s all the brachial stuns they give each other. (Same goes for baton instructors, but on a somewhat lesser scale.)

One evening in late October many moons ago, three police baton/DT trainers found themselves up in the great Northeast at a trainer’s conference. The “after conference” get-together involved a Halloween costume party.

Gerald Connors, Guido Sarducci and Donald Jerdan all decided to go as “ladies of the night” complete with wigs, mesh stockings, purple eye shadow, lipstick, and padded bras. Of course, none shaved off their standard-issue police mustaches, so they made quite an impact as they entered the party.

The spirits flowed freely as this shindig progressed and at night’s end, the trio of faux tramps decided to retire back to Donald’s motor home. One of the most predicable things about DT/baton trainers is that they’re always ready to fight. In fact, I know one who wears a croaky and a mouth guard to bed just in case.

While under the influence of 101-proof Wild Turkey, these three were engaged in a “who’s tougher” talk-off. Guido was the only one able to stand up, so he decided he was going to kick the other two’s butts. Jerdan decided it wasn’t worth the effort, but Connors saw an opportunity to really bust Sarducci’s chops.

Pointing out that the motorhome was too confined a space to really get it on, Connors convinced Guido to “step outside” where they’d take care of business. As a prelude to going out, the inebriated Sarducci decided to go commando and stripped off all his clothes before stepping out into the frigid air. As soon as Guido cleared the doorway of the motorhome and got into his best Sumo pose, Connors pulled the door closed and locked it.

Figuring he’d been had, Guido began pounding on the door, stepped back and squared off in his best Steven Seagal karate pose. Not wanting to let this moment go unrecorded, Connors grabbed his camera, an old 35 mm job, cracked the door a sliver and started snapping photos. Snap, snap, snap. Full moons were plentiful that night and escalated into full frontal shots. Snap, snap, snap, snap. When the camera was empty, they let Guido back in and all three crashed.

Fast forward about a week. Guido, now fully recovered but with a lost recollection of the late night burlesque show the week prior had occasion to drop off the film at the local Photomart, the ones with the big glass window where customers can see the prints drop down into the ready tray.

“They’ll be done in about two hours,” said the pretty young photo clerk.

During the developing process, this young and innocent photo developer noticed that many of these photographs fell into the “sex crime/pervert” category and called the local PD. The dispatcher immediately forwarded the complaint to the Sex Crimes Unit which is headed by, you guessed it, Sgt. Jennifer Sarducci, wife of Officer Guido Sarducci, star of the Steven Seagal, AKA “Sammy the Sumo,” Show.

While Sgt. Jennifer was looking over the first few X-rated full-moon photos that had come off the printer, and not showing any hint that she recognized the images as her loving hubby, Guido arrived to pick up his photographs.

“Oh my, there he is now!” shouted the photo developer.

Unaware that these X-rated photographs even exist, Guido walked up and gave his lovely wife a big hug and said “Hi, honey. What’s up?”

But by now the XXX-full frontal shots had begun to drop down into the tray. Suddenly, it all came back to Guido: the Halloween party, the Wild Turkey, the frosty snow fight that wasn’t, being locked out from the motor home—and, oh the horror, Gerald Connors with a camera …

“Can’t talk your way out of this one, Guido,” said Jennifer. After a full confession, the first visit she made was to Det. Gerald Connors.